I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
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Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.