I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
You Might Also Like
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.