I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
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When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.