I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”

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Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.


Watching movies with kids:

If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.

If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.


1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .

2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.

3rd Guy: I agree.

4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.

1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.


I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.


her: wanna come over

me: can’t i’m at an office party

her: ur self-employed

me: and having a great time


[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”


Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie

*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*


[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]

Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”


Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.

Me: How long have you had the other one?