I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
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Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to