I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
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ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
I have so many questions.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.