I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
You Might Also Like
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
what?
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
A fake ID that makes you younger
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.