I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
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Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay