I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
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This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
doing your own taxes
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.