I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
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With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
Cat.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
Every house has this drawer
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.