I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
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chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I鈥檓 basically a puffer fish now.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it鈥檚 obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
馃槀馃槶
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I鈥檓 driving.
鈥ey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Me: it鈥檚 cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can鈥檛 see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I鈥檒l fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here鈥檚 a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I鈥檓 gonna need you to hunch over.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
What a relief. Bring on the nukes