I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
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When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.