i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
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There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
dutch is not a serious language
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Have a lovely day 😊
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
True
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent