I got my superpowers when I was bitten by a radioactive idiot.
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What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
He’s making a list,
And checking it twice,
You’re gonna find number 12
Very hard to believe.
Santa Clause is working
for Buzzfeed.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.