I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
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me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero