I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
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ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
No point crayon over spilled milk.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
Finally!