I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
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Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
Good Morning.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex