I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal

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My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.


(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off


My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory


At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?


Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.


“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all


I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.


Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.


(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp


My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.