i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
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I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
live long and prosper!
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
#CatsOnTwitter
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
Kids: Stay in school.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!