@SavageDabs69

I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*

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@JohnLyonTweets

Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake

@rocknthepurple

I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.

@Marlebean

Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream

@NotFunnyJ

A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do

@TomSchally

The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.

@MiahSaint

This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.

@DaddyBeerGuy

Child protective services?

Who’s protecting the parents Huh?

WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?

@loribuckmajor

Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.

@KevinFarzad

Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.

@JasonLastname

The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.