I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
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I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
“What movie?” 🤔
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
Boating season is upon us.
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over