I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*

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Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake


I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.


Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream


A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do


The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.


This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.


Child protective services?

Who’s protecting the parents Huh?



Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.


Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.


The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.