Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?

– How I ask what the dress code is.

…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…

[Chapstick Season]

Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.

[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]

I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.

Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.

2: ok

I’m not proud

Me: *tips the waiter*

Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*

[watching the Lord of the Rings]

Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?

Wife: Sauron’s Wife.

Me: but he’s not married lol.

Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?

Me:

Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.

My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.

I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”

Solving a traffic jam

My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.

This salon has a picture of their bathroom in their bathroom and I love it so much

My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”

What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed

Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.

The best things in life are free.

Stealing is awesome.

FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.

DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way

ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys

Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?

I made some fish tacos last night.

the ingrates just ignored them and swam away

John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense

Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts

My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget

In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.

for all you non-native English speakers out there

“read” is pronounced like “lead”

and

“read” is pronounced like “lead”

[special ops briefing]

Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out

[parade]

Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?

Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or

I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.

Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk

The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]