I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
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“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
Worst Native American name ever.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.