I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
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I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warranty
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.