I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
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She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
Maths meets science
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight