I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
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#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
sir, my pâté if you please
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom