I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
You Might Also Like
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
My dad teaching me to drive
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.