I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
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I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not