I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
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Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I鈥檓 just happy that this isolation hasn鈥檛 really changed me as a person, you know?
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don鈥檛 close it behind you.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I鈥檓 the only one using it.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) 鈥k yeah that鈥檚 what i THOUGHT
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 馃檪
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
I saw nothing
King鈥檚 men: well don鈥檛 just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King鈥檚 horses:
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn鈥檛 eaten yet.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I鈥檇 go dressed as the girl from The Ring.