I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
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[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
File under excellent bookstore names.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Breaking news:
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments