@JimmerThatisAll In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
@dance_blessed I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
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@JimmerThatisAll 
@English_Channel how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
@elunatyk I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
@krystaunclear Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
@jumpdashark My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
@Greg_1_Leg ‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
@UncleDuke1969 [doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
@iAmDelFreaky Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
@werehedgehog When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
@XplodingUnicorn Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*