I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
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Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
Who wants to be my Valentine?
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat