I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.

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In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.


I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.


Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”


My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.


‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.



“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”

*closes door*


Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*

Him: What’s funny?

Me: Nothing.

Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*

Me: Ha! Photo bombed!


When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.


Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?

Me: I got the dirt off.

Wife: What does that mean?

Me: *hides the leaf blower*