I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
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*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’