“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
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I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
did it work
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.