*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
You Might Also Like
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
All. The. Damn. Time.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.