I got tricked into going for a 10 mile hike for a waterfall that ended up being 2 feet tall. Don’t talk to me.
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Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
New PR on the treadmill today…I was able to hang 5 shirts and 3 pairs of pants
Can Happiness buy money?
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Being my friend is a walk in the park, but the park is on fire and sometimes the squirrels eat your cookies
If I don’t cause an explosion when I’m cremated my life has been a total waste.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.