I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
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Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive