i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
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[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
I needed a laugh this morning.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
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i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya