@StinkyGr33n Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
@wolfpupy i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
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@StinkyGr33n 
@iamvkhil2 you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
@TeaPartyCat An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
@jollyrobber Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
@thegoodgodabove 
@LuvPug Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
@hurlarious I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
@brendohare Help Wanted
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
@StanHels1ng My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.