“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
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*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
your honor my client chooses dare
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁