– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
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The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
this isn’t threatening at all
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
God making man in his image was the original selfie
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.