“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
You Might Also Like
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
good work, detective
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.