I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
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[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*