” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
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My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
True.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”