I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
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Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
Meth is short for Elizameth.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer