I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
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[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
courtroom exchange of the day
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
Liquor Store Parking
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.