I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
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Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes