I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
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Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works