I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
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ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.