I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
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coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.