I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
You Might Also Like
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.