I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
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Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral