@meganamram

I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler

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@ConanOBrien

Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.

@MaMikeamo

The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.

@KingRainhead

i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it

@PajamaStew

“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!

@mllebeckyrose

I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.

@_megannnp

devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday

@truegritrumble

KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.

@causticbob

Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?

Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.

@TheBoydP

What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?

Wishful thinking. Obviously

@sixfootcandy

Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?

Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.