I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
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Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.