“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
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Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
Love is in the air fryer.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.