I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
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Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.